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bengoeswest
Nov. 22nd, 2005
11:50 pm - and on my way out, i noticed it was snowing.
Today, a parent stabbed another parent plus 1 with a knife just outside my classroom while I was taking care of their kids at the end of the day.
The day started off as any other usual day, I came in time for the end of Tuesday Swimming and saw the end of Raegan's bellyflop. Nicholas Rodiguez threw a fit cause he was wet and cold and couldnt tie his own shoes. Alesha had to carry him up the stairs dripping wet with water. She set him down on The Becky's side of the room where he continued his explosion while I tried to once again strike up competition Boys v. Girls in the race to get dressed. I tell Alisha how I feel like Im working in a hospital caused Everyday is different and unexpected. How I started not more than 10 mins ago and already there's a screaming fit; how I like it cause it keeps things interesting. M'Jhari once again lost another sock, which was later found on Takel's foot.
I felt like I was doing really good today, getting better at scolding children/taking charge and really talking to them on a level theyd understand. So many people I've realized babytalk the kids expecting them not to really Get It. But they do. We do. We get it. They understand when something's slanted or misaligned.
I got to do another small art project with the kids: we cut out the foods we will eat at Thanksgiving and gluedthem to paper plates. Of course Raegan was right beside me during our plate activity. She wrote her impossibly long last name on the back of her plate which she decorated like a wreathe. Werlemburger or something. Side note, I taught DaeDae the other day how to write the letter "I" which was pretty damn cool if I do say so, and I do.
M'jhari also had his own fit pretty much after Nicholas ended his and joined us for Choices. He, M'hari climbed inside a play closet and started pounding his fist against the wood of the wardrobe, tipping over a stand up mirror in the process. I ended up back on The Becky's side hanging out with Becca, Adam, Pete, Sophia, and Big Poppa. I am so in love with that kid. Its not cause he's autistic, it's something else. If I have one, I want one like him. Autistic or not, he's made it not matter either way. It's a really weird thing to come to terms with. Pete's the same way, autistic, and he and I have the best times saying "MMMMMMMmmmmMMMM" when the food's really good. Today was Tuna fish Sandwiches. MmmmmmM. I didnt know what it was but today went so smoothly. I think it was partially due to the fact that I didnt have to do Toothbrushes after lunch. During naptime I even got a chance to put my tape on and the Becky's said Will Oldham's voice sounded like he was Dying. Becky Tripp told me whenever I talk to her, she feels like she hasnt done anything in her life. It makes me feel real good. It makes me feel worth it. Not that she feels that way, but that there's something to tell. It's all one story and its one Im proud of. Its all part of this massive project.
I even continued working on this part of the project today, got a good start. I realized how I wasnt taking enough pictures of this portion of the story and brought in the camera to have it in the room in case anything interesting happened: ha ha. After lunch, which I stayed in for since it looked so windy out, we had a little dance party and we went backto working on Choices: Table toys. Books, it was kinda random cause Becky G and I were in charge and its never too solid.
I chose Adam cause there was this picture I had seen [in my head (THATS somePreVisualization shit for ya!)] outside earlier in the month. Adam has this brain disease where he could at any moment develop a tumor anywhere on his body. He is the cutest boy I've ever seen. Today he reminded me of this boy named Charlie Bucket who used to catch the bus down by the Rose Quarter. But like 15 years younger. He's maybe one of the few boys I'd call beautiful. He's got this crazy light blonde hair that I always make crazy shapes and these deep blue eyes,which Becky says are two characteristics of his disease. Moving on, Adam will approach me standing in front of me arms outstretched and say simply: HOLD ME. he knows how fucking cute he is. So I do, and I spin him around and his face blows up into every great feeling I've ever had in one Huge smile where even his eyes light up. I dont spin too fast cause it bothers him but just right and he's completely content. Just as we all should be. I live through this kid during these moments of spinning.
I take pictures of Adam spinning; Chris "locked up!" & acting his 100% THUG self; a triplet of Madeline in front of a white wall: serious, eyes to the sky, and smiling; Gabby & Josh & Madeline sitting in front of a table on it's side; Adam looking 100 feet tall; try to get Takel breakdancing and even show off my own spinning moves. We get in trouble.
Around 5 pm we all move into the next room where Hope is left with a few kids. Matthew (my brokenhearted FRIEND) runs to me as I enter and we hug like old army buddies. he's wearing a cape and he gives me a "gun" and even though GUNS ARE NOT ALLOWED, We run around quietly battling the universe. Quinton and Quincy see me and race for my face. These two are just impossible. They have no one trying to control them so theyre just out of control. Quincy's kinda cute so he's bearable but Quinton is just awful. He's pushing kids, whining until he gets his way, taking things from kids hands. Matthew leaves with his mom's new haircut. Sierra leaves with her mom who looks so depressed Alisha and I are in secrets about it.
...And then M'hari's mom arrives. She and Alisha and Molly the director are about to have a meeting about M'Hari and his fits. the smallest thing will set him off and hell start crying and get real upset. The truth is he's a real good kid. I love him because he's messed up. He's my kid who danced to LCD Sound System. He's the one who told me TODAY after nap about how he had a bad dream about his sister. "Sometimes I have bad dreams." Thats all he says and we hug and I say, Had a rough morning huh? And he holds me tighter. "Bleh!", as Becky (G) would say. Alisha disappears with Molly down the hallway with M'Jarhi's mom; she leaves M'hari's sister Asia with us and we start the wait.
The News said that it happened during the meeting. All I remember is them walking out of the room and maybe not even 5 mins later two men running past our window looking out into the hallway, racing for their lives about something. I was really lost and didnt think anything of it until Molly ran after them a few seconds later screaming something. But again, I was paying attention tothe kids. Itwasnt until I saw sirens outside maybe a few mins after that that I realized something had happened. Itwas cause there wasnt any sign of anything. no loud noises no screams just running. I looked out the window and the blood trail on the floor. After that itwas just piecing the story together, which would end up being a lot more complicated than I could have made up. The MOM runs down. "What was that about?" the Mom comes back. She tells us Quincy andf Quinton's dad just punched her husband in the eye and is really upset. She sits by asia and starts cryingto her. I let her have her moment with her daughter, well of course, we both do, we're just as interested as the rest. She again disappears downstairs. this time she doesnt come back. At this point "something is definitely happening". I say I need to go to the bathroom real quick and I go the back way but what I See on way around the Tumbling room looks like More than a simple punch in the face. There's blood all over the wall across from Mollys office. theres blood all over thefloor down the hall. kelly and alisha are getting themselves together. at this point im still thinking it was just a fight someone punched someone and ran.
Bits and pieces tie themselves together and Mhari'sfather was in the meeting inside Molly's office. Saw Quinton and Quincy's father. Grabbed his knife and started stabbing the both of them multiple times in the legs and hands. They all ran downstairs and ended up being taken in by police and medics. Mjhari's mom who had disappeared earlier was arrrested when he reached ther outside. I saw her on the news in handcuffs and thought how she must have put her hair up in between the time she was in our room and the time she had the cuffs put on her.
We later learn, while she wasin ourroom,she had taken theknife used to stab two people and planted it on her 8 year old daughter Asia.
The YMCA is closed tomorrow and theres a 3 hour meeting starting at 9.
I can start wondering how people could do this and all that but whats the point.
There is no sensibility in the actions of human beings, only the capacity to go through with them.
Oct. 29th, 2005
12:37 am
Ive been feeling pretty sad.
Ive been feeling pretty sad this whole week.
I cant say I miss everything about her cause not everything was perfect. But tonight, and even today when I was sweeping, I missed my right hand. I even asked Alesha about how it was when she left her right hand. She said it was bad at the beginning but then it got easier. She said he had cheated on her and that was the line. it should have been mine, but i guess im too weak to be sensible. i dont like it here in binghamton, not when theres a place i can beaccepted one pair of pants and all. i miss that about mandy. i miss having a spot where i could be me and not have someone tear me apart. thats how i relate to adam sandler in punchdrunk love. i feel like im constantly being torn apart. i felt like that a little bit with mandy but overall it was nice. we could be equally as goofy, but now what? now im just sittin here alone on the weekends. while shes online and i see her and shes totally forgotten about me and is excited to start a new life with andrew. who she cheated with on me. and all for a good fuck. imso angry at sex. im angry at people whowant it. im agry cause i want to be sexy too. is it my fault theres been no one comfortable enough to try to be it around? i feel so behind, as mandy used to say. i miss you panda. so fucking much i start to cry everyday. i know you dont feel the same, how youre void has been filled with something bigger. im sick of being around someone so much like you it makes me want to vomit. alesha said she found self respect by breaking upwith her ex. it just make me depressed about myself. ihate being judged then why do it? i think iwas on the road to less judgements when i first came out to california. and everyones just laughing at me. when im the one whos fucking doing all the hard work. im the blunt of everyones mistakes. im the one who gets blamed for not doing things The Right Way. im the one constantly being catered to. why? do i ask for it so blindly? i just wanna live life my way. i dont need no ones comments. im like a big kid. i hate sex. i wanna be able to fuck someone real good. i just wanna practice. i dont want to be the straight gay friend anymore. i want to meet someone who will bring out the sex in me. someone who i can fuck and just hang out with. maybe learn a thing or two about them. were so alike but she cheats her way to the goal. and cheats out friends.
Oct. 23rd, 2005
12:28 pm - Pop Songs your new boyfriend's too stupid to know about
Im sure theyre gonna go to thenew johnny cash movie on his birthday since its his year apparently. Whatever. Sorry none of my/our bands have any movies made about them with reese witherspoon. Im just hoping for the day she realizes shes gonna be bored stiff. But you know what that means? Probably that shell end up with him for years. Years longer than me. I still want to fucking put music over film. Songs and songs and songs with images behind them. Stories or pictures with sound. mixtapes behind videos.
icant believe im still writing.
Oct. 22nd, 2005
11:25 pm
I cant be silent anymore. One night and one night only. I cant stand it anymore. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it. I hate walking in it, I hate driving with it. I hate remembering it, I hate wanting it. I hate wanting it back. I hate knowing some fuckheads got it. I hate knowing some fuckhead piece of shit has it and how Im still waiting for the years to go by and things will still turn out right. I hate the way it aches and the way my heart is just empty. It shouldnt be this empty when I think about it. It shouldnt ever feel this way to think about her. I miss you so much Mandy Melson. Why do you have to be with someone else? Why does someone else have to be with you? I dont understand. I dont want you to be away from me. I dont want to love you anymore. Then maybe we could be friends and I'd still getto see you. And not care. But I'll never not care. I dont want Amy, or Mary Anne, I dont want them cause theyre not you. I dont understand why Andrew is better for you than me. Forever? Ever ever? We work so well together like a well oiled machine. I just feel half there, always. I miss my panda. I miss MY peach, I miss my friend.I watched Harold and Maude tonight and really couldnt do it;. I wonder if youthink of me ever. And why havent you called? is andrew really gonna be the piece of the puzzle for you? to be with for a longtime? how come i cant make your knees weak? how come hes the one? how come im not the one for you? i dont like it.
Oct. 13th, 2005
11:53 pm - EPILOGUE
I used to write chapters at the beginning of this journal.
So Im calling this one an epilogue.
I remember when I picked up my moms books when I was a kid and seeing these big words Prologue and Epilogue at the begining at end of books. I didnt understand these foreign words. I remember when Stephen King would put at the end of his books and I was a big fan of stephen king. In an epilogue the writer usually talks about what happened After the story was through. I guess that means Ive got some typing to own up to. I talked to my friends Tom Westfall and Het Haudenschield tonight both in the space of the same couple of hours backto back. Im planning on sending Katy Davidson some songs Im finished with from this past year. The Right/Wrong song and the Oh Andrew song. Written in November? and June? of last year respective- ly. Theyre just the only songs Im finsihed with, couldnt see taking any further. I wonder what shell think! Exciting! Im still working on the Alabama St song which Im excited to score with film someday. I'm into working visually through my music rather than lyrically. Ive got a few new things,tidbits, ive found that Im excited to see what happens to this next year. I work slowly and methodically, Im in no rush to belt out the hits. Over the years Ive stacked up at least 5 or so songs I can continuly work on.
An epilogue means the end, or after the end of the story. But there are gonna be more books. I just want this one to survive afterall. Who knows, maybe I can use it for this movie I'm also excited about piecing together with hours of video and about 1000 pictures. I showed my sister Annie Hall and Manhattan earlier today. Its almost tomorrow and I got my job back at the YMCA taking care of preschoolers. Time to go to bed.
my email address is
benforshay@mail-central.com
thats the way to get in touch if you want.
in time maybe ill write again
Benjamin Hoyt Forshay
12: 02 am
October 14, 2005
Oct. 10th, 2005
09:32 pm
I signed up for some online dance lessons.
http://www.zefrank.com/invite/swfs/
Oct. 9th, 2005
07:47 am
My teeth have been hurting me for the past week or so, on the bus ride I couldnt sleep it was so bad, and again this morning around 6 I was woken up by the pain in my molars which travels up my jaw and into the side of my forehead, where the dip of the skull is. Where you can safely massage a circle shape in your head. I asked my sister about it, her being up on Sunday at 7:30 in the morning. Her response was to look at the Tylonol bottle after I told her, lied and said I took four, "No I took two I lied" and she repsonded, I'm not a doctor. Thanks and went back to bed. Five mins later I took another two, feeling guilty about lying. It hurts so bad I want to cry but I would never cry in front of my sister or familyfor that matter. Theres too much shame in it. Theres always some psychlogical excuse of why Im crying. When I was a kid and feeling sad, I'd cry and my mother would say how I was just trying to get attention from her. I was a kid, and my limit of consciousness was I felt bad, I hated how everything I did turned into some psychological explanation about how irresponsible I was.
- My teeth hurt.
- Well thats because youre diverting your responsibilty for your feelings, and displacing them upon your teeth and blaming your teeth's pain for your own inner turmoil.
- OK, but my teeth still hurt.
6 tylonol later
Oct. 6th, 2005
02:13 pm
The trip back was filled with a few memorable people.
1. Gary
Gary was this guy who befriended me while still in Oregon and was like glue, sort of, till Denver. He had just finished a month in jail, for possession of Weed and Crystal Meth -- he even showed me the news article with his picture in court to prove it, from some Montana paper -- and was returning home to his 19 year old girlfriend. Being 35+, he told me about jail, about how to look at clouds, how to be bad, and the differences between prison and jail. Prison is a little freer surprisingly. He made friends with another ex-con and they talked Racing. I bought him some food, he gave me a pack of cigarettes cause he told me the Pall Malls I bought were too strong. Marlboros, if thats how you spell them, are the kind which replaced those things which were tearing apart my throat. We talked religion a little bit. He asked me if I was a spiritual person. I told him, I was told Everything Happens For a Reason. He was ok with that and asked if I Believed in Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil. I said, I was given the argument against Heaven/Hell when I was younger: If there is a God , why would he want all the people who had done bad things all their lives, and maybe even paid for them in life,to further pay for them in Eternal Life. If God was this forgiving being wouldnt he want them in Heaven too? So they could be forgiven? A friend of mine told me its the Devil's World. Im still up in the air on the topic. He gave me a piece of coal to remember him by and some broken headphones. He also gave me a prescription upper he had gotten for $300 a pack of ten. He couldnt read well, so i helped him through the directions on my cell phone for Bolwing, which we played for alittle bit until I got a few strikes and he got mad and stopped.
2. Man #1
We stopped somewhere and they only had cash only food. I asked them if they took debit cards. No. I was about to walk out when someone handed me a twenty and told me to get whatever I wanted. I told him, No I cant, he forced the bill into my hands and left. I met up with him again in .. Kansas City I think, and bought him some tylonol, after he refused again I pay him back. IF YOU INSIST! He wouldnt let me give him back the change, $15 or so. I used it to tip the luggage movers and some food the next morning.
3. Woman #1
This woman was on the bus about the same time as me until St. Louis. After the Sandwich Incident, getting a free one!, we talked a little. She calmed me down enough to go to bed with a calm head. What are you stressing about? Why worry? Cant do nothin bout anything? As long as you stay good and try to be the best you can, youll get it back. She came to the conclusion I got the money since I bought Gary that Subway meal. She also asked me if I believed in Religion. I dont know, I believe in Nature. She told me people who do bad things will get bad things done to them ten fold. That made me laugh cause I started thinking about a certain movie. I asked, but what about all those people who get away with what they do? And they do. She refused to listen and said, theyre paying, you might not see it but theyre paying. She got discouraged about me not believing in her lord and started talking to the woman next to her: Its a shame trying to get through to these young folks....
4. The Amish Man
Its funny how I met an Amish person. No shit, it was hard not to relate so I tried to think of all the questions I had without sounding incredibly stupid. He sat next to me. I asked him a bunch of the usual. No pictures, no technogical gagets, no cars, no music. Do you make your own music? Do you play anything? I PLAY MY MOUTH. I asked him if who he voted for? WE DONT VOTE. Sounded pretty nice to me. I asked him who he was in his village, if he was the Mayor? Youre the Mayor right? NO. The Baker? No. Are you well known and respected? IM THE FARMER.
I liked that. I liked that better than asking his name. By 26, he had had 4 children. He was 52, I guessed 56 or 58 oops, and had 15 children. He had 19 grandkids. he told me of his 200 acre farm. I asked him if he had built his house but alas it was already there but he had built other buildings on HIS property. Was it state owned ? How do you make money? Do you sell to the state? we grow cattle and sell it to distributors. He met his wife at 22. Theyve been married 30 years. I asked him how he knew? At 22? I KNEW.
5. Man #2
After realizing I was in the same bus station as in Buffalo 66 and picking up a #66 schedule, I had nothing else to do but go outside and try to figure out if I could place anything outside too. Smoked a cigarette and some guy came walking towards me: Hey! you gotta extra cigarette? Sure. Yo Ill give you some hash, come on over here behind these cameras. We sat in a bus stop, one of the city ones. He broke me off a piece of hash kinda big, told me for $5 i could have the whole thing. I told him I didnt have 5 but he could have the rest of my pack since I was quitting anyway. Basics. He took the offer, split me off a bigger chunk and we hung out in the bus stop for a few mins. SO, WHERE YOU FROM?
Oct. 3rd, 2005
11:51 am
Im sharing sometime on the road with this guy named Gary. Been to prison once, jail thispast month for carrying crystal meth and weed on his rig. He gave me a pill he said was a upper. I hate uppers. I just got told by the bus driver, I Did Good. I dont know what exactly I did good, but Im happy he likes me. He yelled at some kid for playing a dvd player too loud. Our last bus driver was fast and this ones quiet. Were all sitting in a disjointed triangle at Arby's. Gary's calling his 19 year old girlfriend back in Denver. Hes 35+. His moving company told him to drive through the weighing stations. This is how he got caught with all that stuff. He told me to move in the back with him so I did. Didnt want to be rude and Idont care either way. I guess its niceto have someone to talk to. He was talking about how we went to prison and how its like college but instead of learning schoolwork, you learn how to break into cars, rob, steal, loot, kill, and fuck up society in general. "But i didnt learn nothing in there!"
Hes a fuckin narly dude and Id be lying if I said i wasnt watchinmg bags Just A Little Bit. and my phone. hmm.My teeth are starting to hurt again. I couldnt go to sleep last night they hurt so bad. And other things. I dont know about smoking anymore. These PallMalls are strong as shit. Gary says I should just throw the pack out sinc etheyre unfiltered. Theyre as strongas you can get he says. Shit. Just my luck. They hurt my throat a little. Im not gonna smoke many more of them. I should get back to the bus. Charging the phone ever stop, i gotta poo.
poopface
Oct. 2nd, 2005
11:46 am - ma
i guess i used to be sort of a take things as they come anyway the wind blows kind of gal, but now, i am a planner, first plan being get out of this place, get to somewhere i like to be do something i want to do.
Oct. 1st, 2005
11:43 pm
My mom said , a million times this year, that Im choosing my choices, unconscious or conscious, and the real challenge is to make those unconscious decisions conscious so I can stop hurting myself. Im so tired. I just dont have the energy anymore. I think thats what people mean by maturing. Theres less energy to do Everything without thought and so your energy becomes more valuable. Zac told me that the junkies we lived next door to moved out three days after I left, which really pains me partially cause I would have liked to stay there with him on many levels. Im tired of being a runnerup. I derserve first place. We all do. We all deserve first place in every area thats important to us. We deserve it but do we get it? No, not usually. In this case, my decisions have racked up some pretty big money, which sucks and i DO feel guilty about it. But at the same time, I feel even more grateful that im allowedthese seemingly endless second chances. I called my sister today for reals. Im hoping to hear back from her because I am dying to Take Action. Its likethey said all along, I need to live my own life. I need to do what I want. Other people do, so why shouldnt I put myself first once in awhile. Its in your big decisions you find your true friends. I said it before and Ill say it again, its true friends beyond everything that make up for the shit of life.
Im tired of being treated like I dont know whats going on. I know fucking everything thats going on. Im superman. just games man, im sick of them
Sep. 25th, 2005
01:09 pm - I'd be an excellent butler.
Im still in love with that song Gold Digger.
I think Im living in this period where Im reacting to the exclusivity of the past era where I listened to bands that got a smaller and smaller audience. The dream is still alive, I learned that this weekend. I still wanna make people dance. I still wanna meet people and say hi and just be. I want an enjoyable job that pays enough to live ok. Nothing too lavish, just enough to buy some records every now andthen. Maybe travel. Be able to enjoy the weekends. Music become my thing again, but its true its not quantity. Its not at all. You could have one great album or a few good songs and have them mean more than 900 records or days! Its funny but I miss my new friends,even if they were only 3 or so years old they were so pure. None of this adult stuff. I enjoyed going to work everyday. That was new. I like all this hiphop cause theres not much weight to it. Indierock and all that theres so much feeling, so much "Angst". Which is nice and all for awhile but I feel like I got the records that spoke to me and now Im into shaking my head again. Which is what hiphop does, the same way that Dub Narcotic meets John Spencer Blues Explosion did for me all those years ago. You just concentrate on the beat and maybe the words pass by in some recognizable form. Im really into this JAY-Z Gray Album thing. I remember hearing it at Becky's one night when I was the oddman out in her circle of friends. Which was fucking really nice gnkgfrdeyfeeswcafghj7jlk;ikl9olimimhbmfr
NQIMBHTGEHVGFTNGRFHFE
yeah, Mandy Melson folks.
I like how there's not much to pay attenton to as well, just the beat, which you can get lost in. In a way the beats sound to me like drone in popform. If you were to loop the beats over and over again you could totally zone out drop out nod out and dance at the same time. I agree with others that while this may not be Hiphops finest day, its definitely alive in a way rock had again for a second in the 90s but now is just major chords major labels major attitude. And I should know cause I was in with the worst of them!
I think theres definitely a few years crossover in personality transformation. So its hard for people to catch up to who you are Now. Im constantly learning changing growing so maybe thats why I cant seem to agree with stability these days.
Ilike all this hiphop too cause I can relate more to people outside of just ART SCHOOL.
Its such a small population of people to cater to.
I need more people to cater to.
or a couple.
Sep. 23rd, 2005
05:04 am
Im off to schoo, and a field trip today. My sister woke me up at 7:30, dilldallyed in the bathroom and eventually got in the shower. Packed a bunch last night and talked on my new phone!! I got a phone from my family for my Birthday! yaay! I added all like 5 of the people who mattered in the contacts thing. I want more! send me your numbers...
Today were going to a maple syrup farm, i think. Im takingthe camera no matter what and im taking pictures. Im not really attatched to many ofthe kids in this class justcause ive only known them a couple days, not like the toddlers who i knew much better. its almost time to go but five mins nowadays feels like 10 to me. Im still looking for a good music recording program. im thinking garageband cause i tried logic but couldnt figure it out...kind professional.
bringing fourtrack portable recordplayer, laptop. clothes, guitar, records, microphones, walkman, dvd player, e t c
Sep. 21st, 2005
12:51 pm
As of today I am now a Teacher! No more lunch aid for me, it took a week and two days tobecome a teacher here, even if it is temporary! Its funny how desperate they are because they asked meif i could fill in the positionj right after I told thme Friday was my last day. There so much I have to be thankful for really. BUt first my day so far. Learning new names, new faces, new habits, trying to learn their day very quickly. So far theres a girl named Kylie whos SUPER smart and seems to know everything. I asked her if shed help me through the day. YES she said. She wants to be a teacher. There are a thousand moments everyday I wish I could save in my brain or in a picture since words cant really do much than pathetically describe how a kid will smile at you or even when theyll get angry at you but then a minute later seem to forget about what happened. Playground time was the most intimidating simply because instead of about 10 2 year olds, there were THREE count em THREE classes out at once, all 3 year olds runnig around wanting to play new games like TAG, MONSTER and BASEBALL. I kept saying ,Lets Chill just to see what theyd say. This other kid Braedon agreed: Lets Chill. There was a kid with boogers coming out of his nose growling at me who I started throwing up in front of , pretend throwing up of cours.e That made him incredibly excited and for the rest of the day he kept asking me to throw up again. A black kid named Tykim, or something like that, asked me for a piggyback ride. I was haning out with a girl namesd Alexis Simmons Blossom (since she wanted her first named to be Blossom rather than Alexis) for awhile. We were talking about if I had ever been to Disnye World, her mom and dads names, and other random bits of information. When I first came into the classroom today around 8:30 in the morning I was trying to survey the scene talking to the Grandpa there, who has lived here in Binghamton since 1988. hes from the phillapines and cant hear much of what i say. This guy named Dane (Drane?) said, go get out some blocks and play with them. So I did and a couple kids came by, some braver ones than I, Kylie and Braedon. We al started building a castle and all of the sudden they started TALKING!!!! WHAT?!! They can talk?!! I was stunned, really. But low and behold they started talking to me asking who i was, why i was there, etc. We build a pretty big castle before they kicked it over and i screamed MY HOUSE! The good thing about kids talking is that theres less scolding but the bad thing about it is now they can actually say NO. Theres one troublelmaker: Charlie. Hes this big light blonde head shaven kid who looks like he could knock me out. Theres a slightly fat kid named Ethen whos really funny. The head teacher is one of my sisters good friends Peggy. Shes real cool and grew up in the SF area. She even knows some guy in some semifamous indie (the real indie) band. I think the California Oranges or something...i think they were on Omnibus or maybe Darla. She has husband and the kids and I laughed when he came by and they smooched by the door.
I think I have a problem. Just when thngs start to get comfortable I leave. Already, it took mer two weeks, I feel really attatched to this place and the people, and of course the kids. I know need to leave. Im not for binghamton i know it. I wouldnt want to live here. But still the real thing Im trying to say is, I likefeeling apart of something. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I walk down the hallways and people say HI BEN. We were at the market last night and bumped into one of the women in charge. We talked for a bit, made them laugh, and then I started racing my cart down the aisleway and he calls back to my sister ;Abigail! Whats he doing ! Hes not 12! haha.
no, but that doesnt mean i cant race down aisleways on agrocery cart and feel alive still.
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happySep. 18th, 2005
10:27 pm - +
Once again my laptop just seems to be everything I need. DVD playing in the background I want to watch. Downloaded Microsoft Office for free this weekend. Number two big program I needed, for free, yeah, Im hip. I tried smoking a couple days ago. My sister the pusher. I was thinking for a second about making it a habit, then felt the taste in my mouth -- yuck. Those vanilla ones are nice. I love this Wilco movie. I downloaded Jeff Tweedy doing a cover of Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, I was pretty excited about that. Tried the Alabama Street song this weekend in my apt alone. Got the casio out and everything the real deal. Im slowly figuring out what I want it to sound like sort of. I like how I have these ideas I remember and pick up every few months right back where I left off. This time I heard a new voice part. I cant wait to record it sometime down the road. I already was playing it ten times better especially the third chord.Altho I really dont know what im talking about.
Went for a walk today and walked along the banks of the Binghamton River. Stepped across stones and tiny pools, ocassionally recording to video. Singing the whole way. Saw the two old people on the porch from the other night again today. Downloaded this other Wilco song Be Not So Fearful. I guess Im on a Jeff Tweedy kick. I miss going to shows. I miss going shows and knowing 15% of the people there, in some tiny basement, people saying Hi, thats the stuff my life was made of. I remember now. I liked it then but I dont know if I appreciated it as much as I could have, or the people. It was just kind of normal for me so I didnt know there was anything but moving forward. I dont think I would have ever imagined myself alone again, I think that whole social phase was a direct reaction to the Alone days in apt38. I watched Hide and Seek, a Robert DeNiro thriller, my sister showed me Crash, which wasa really good movie about racial tensions in la which was goood. I remember when Music was everything , music was the passion that was gonna last for the rest of my life. And then, it just wasn't. I try to jumpstart that part of my soul again and a few things interest me. But overall I cant lie, music just isnt the same anymore. Half of the bands I was into when I was in my early 20s are gone now or have just had their day. I feel like Jeff Tweedy is a little like Brian Wilson in his day.
My laptop makes me happy. Wilco makes me happy too. I gonna see my new friends tomorrow and then see an old friend after its all over. Youre so close. You are so close, dont worry so much.
I tried on a mustache the first half of the day today. Before I shaved it off I thought I looked a little like The Beatles after Revolver when they reconvened for Sgt Pepper. I kinda liked it but maybe sometime later.
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calmSep. 17th, 2005
08:18 pm
Like I told that girl, Im a mess.
I went out walking toniht after my brief phonecall and walked downtown to see if there was ANYTHING or ANYONE around to at least look at. Sang some dear nora that was sincere in ohio but now was just to fill the airspace. On the way I pet a cat on some steps. I passed by a lot full of schools buses and opened the door to one of them, wondering if there was some homeless man asleep in the backseats where I sat on the first day of elementary school ever. Tyson Wynch came on the bus and asked if I had fallen into a bowl of chocolate. It turned out he was the scapegoat anyway for most of the other kids pranks, the kind of kid who really would have shot everyone up if he had the chance. But Ben Forshay was the brunt of that one that day. Ive been trying breathing exercises recently in bed and stuff to try and calm myself down. With minimal results. I wanted to get on the bus and just sit there in the dark for a second just to see what it would be like. just a weird picture really. But as soon as I pushed the doors open, I stepped away and thought better of it. I walked towards (down)town really hoping for something. A woman in the shadows passing me by with a dog asked me for a dollar. Two people, an obese couple sitting on their porch asked me if I had seen a dog walking with the woman. My first word of the day besides the phone call: Yes.
Passed by three peopl who knocked on a door and were answered by a young blonde. I wanted to scream out to the sky and everything around: DOES ANYONE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME?! The entered the building and disappeared. I walked past a larger man waitingfor a bus, saw a busdriver sitting in a rumbling bus reading a newspaper. Saw the downtowan area of Binghamton on a Saturday night. A handful of people outside a bar. Walked past the two clubs in this downtown area , Flashbacks and something else. I heard some woman saying, Its three bucks to get in!! $3 seems like a million years from now. Saw a man in a pizza shop making pizza alone. I wondered if he felt lonely too. Iwanted to talk to anyone really.
Went back the way I came. Past the man in the busstop, past the same three people who had just entered the apt building, now on their way to a $3 night at Flashbacks no doubt.'Maybe this is a time where im all alone so when i make it back to reality I will appreciate it, and the people more. Lets hope so. Lets hope theres a reason for this time.' Past the house where the two obese people were still sitting. Only this time, I struck up conversation. I pretended I was interested in the FOR RENT sign nailed to the porch. 370 ,1 Bedroom. Not in a million years I decided firmly at that very moment. We discussed what it was like to live there. The woman was barely getting by on government checks. The man was telling me how if you turned on a stereo the power went out. I asked about Binghamton. Ten years ago, the woman said, there was more to do. (Thats surprising), Like what? "Oh, barhopping. But now, all thoseb ars have closed" no one here? "yeah"
I moved on down the street singing my own little song, which I have been doing more of on the way back to work. Just trying to practice melody and bad lyrics. I played the guitar a little bit today and for a secon played the Alabama song really well. Well enough to have wished I recorded it. I still like the casio beat at the end and the yove lost that lovin feeling chant. I came up with a new part too today which was like talking over the two broken up chords. I for get what I said but Id love to record the whole thing in one take. my voice doesnt suit the youve lost that lovin feeling part, i hear a girl singing really but there are no girls around who will sing and i dont want to move to baltimore.
About two blocks away from my house I heard a "Hey!" a voice who sounded almost familiar. It was the woman who the other day told me she liked my haircut on the way to work.
Hi
-Hi.
I remember you. Youve got a nice haircut
- Yeah I remember you, Thanks thanks so much.!
You want some company?
-Sure, I really dont know anyone here. Im so alone.
I got an apartment. Wanna come back?
-Okay.
We can just hang out. Do you have any money?
-No, I'm broke. Ive been broke for the past three weeks.
You don't have any money?
-No. Oh, I see.
Well, goodnight then.
-OK, goodnight, Goodluck.
SHE WALKS AWAY TO THE CROSS WALK.
You really do have a nice haircut, I mean that.
-Thanks. that really means a lot.
(For the briefest second, I want to tell this woman I love her. It almost slips from my lips because shes the only person this whole day who at least acted like she enjoyed, before she offered me her services, my familiarity. -- Hey I remember you!--
We walk our own ways. A second later she calls back to me.
Im thinking, oh this a trick with a heart of gold. She gonna hang out with me anyway even if I dont have money. Well go back to her house, no matter how weird, im over the THIS IS TOO WEIRD FOR ME thing. Well go back to her apt and just hang out. im desperate please please just say youll hang out with me and not try to steal my cards again.
YOU SMOKE CRACK? Do you smoke?
An image of Joe Steele crosses my mind. I try to pretend like I didnt hear her say CRACK
-Yeah.
You smoke crack?
-Oh, not crack. Ihavent tried that.
please dont open your mouth and ask about anything else, dont be dumb dont be dumb and ask about heroin or cocaine just to get people worried about you so theyll start making some effort.
Oh, well Im gonna go get some, wanna come?
-I dont have any money! Im sorry but I dont.
Oh, well......
-.....
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Zac said not to call until theres something to talk about. 'Until youve got something goin on.' I wonder how many stories this older heavyset woman has to tell. I wonder how many times shes actually gotten lucky in Binghamton NY walking the empty streets of this hick town and gone home with someone maybe even in trade for her precious crack. It wasnt me. I went home and watched Ebert and roeper on mute while I type/revise this. that guy roeper looks weird. not a fan. Rodger Ebert's gotten real skinny. Wow. Theres a movie out called Keane. I wanna see it.
08:54 am
Its funny but theyve taught me a lot. I found someone in Alabama from awhile back, but this time in a laundrymat. I had even made videos for them and recorded my hometown, New Hampton School a german friend I had named Christian, Bryan in his room hanging out with Josh. It was weird seeing Josh up and walking again. I even got video of his room where we all used to hang out and for that one night sniffed ridilin till the morning went to US history and had to go back to his room to do somemore. I remember Bryan being involved with heroin, i remember...and that was in sophmore year in highschool. I didnt know what that meant at all. But watching that video I suddenly remembered and then wondered even further, cause this is waht my braindoes, I wonder if Josh anBryan weredoing it together. I know Bryan went to rehab or something, but again its hard to remember cause it was so foreign tome at that age.
During lunch on my first day two girls started asking me which was more important : Lust or love? "Theres this guy who is just always there for me, hes dependable, he comes over to fix my tv, he takes care of me. Im so used to taking care of the guy that its new that someones willingto take care of me. And he takes my shit. Im soo moody! And he just kinda deals with it. I told him I just wanna have fun. And I do. But you should see this house he's buying! Its so big! But I just wanna have some fun, you know? wht should i do?" I told her I didnt really know. Later I told another girl who was asking the same question, Dont ask me, Im a mess. They told me i should join them for a friday night out.
I've ALWAYS wanted to take a voluntary break, like in some minimal ward. I remember when Iwasa teenager asking mom if I could go away cause I was just so tired of doing shit. "They take care of you there, you dont have to do anything but hang out. Granted itswith crazy peoplebut maybe thatd be interesting. Just some rest time, the worlds just too fast." Obviously, she said no.
Theres something aboutworking with people thats universal. Whethr its the kids or the old people or the psychos. I feel like theyre all in a way little children still. And its the rest of us who are crazy for trying to be beings we arent. I think maturing yourself is more important than Growing Up. I think thetwo termsare confused a lot. Like you have to grow up to be mature. Is still wish it was the 60s. Winona ryders so pale in this movie. I like how kids are just kids. Old people just dont give a shit and are pretty much kids: they pee theyre pants, whine a lot and gethappy at the slighest things. Crazys are just so real cause they have no other choice. Theres no bullshit with these people. It might be ugly but still no bullshit. And its your job to lay down the law. You tell them whats what and stick to it. They might throw fits but you gotta let them. It makes me thinkabout myself. a lot. I think i need to learn that then apply it to my own life. i think wilco just came on. i miss wilco.
Sep. 16th, 2005
07:05 am
Its just occured to me that I'll have lasted almost a straight month totally broke, without a constant phone, and with minimal human contact. That's got to count for something, right? I cant belive its only really been three days since the entry before last, seems like ages. The weekends coming up, my sisters going out oftown. No phone, no money, no friends. My friends have been little children aged 2 years.
Sep. 15th, 2005
04:44 pm
EXTERIOR: 10:30 am in the moring, Binghamton NY.
BEN walks to work everyday. Its about a 15 min walk. The camera is handheld walking down thestreets looking aroun at the buildings, one apt completely empty with boarded windows on the second story and glass broken windows on the second. We pass by The Yellow Store which boasts $1.50 soda pop and $50 Ices. We approach the YMCA where he works, and the playground outside. Wide angle shot of the playground as Ben enters in from the right. We hear the childrens bird cries before he even sees the actual playtime. Ben approaches the iron gate guarding these kids from the outside world.
WOMAN 1: hey Ben,
BEN: Good Moring!
WOMANA 2: Hey Ben!
BEN: Hot out, its so humid!
JAMAL, the two year old hears BENS voice and screams: BEN!!!!!
Screams, runs toward the fence gate and slips in some mud and topples over.
WOMAN 1: JAMAL! We dont run in the mud!!!
Man, if that isnt a fucking nice way to start a day some kid running calling your name. Gives me chills kind of. Im not ready for hearing kids in my head like that. Today I helped some kid pick leaves out of trees, Growled at some as they ran around a play ground, told as many kids they were smart as I they proved it to me, which was A LOT!!!, gosh some ofthem know soo much! Purple, Red, Piggies, Chicken, even Orange! Shantelle the ferocious crawled into my lap today.
Wow, just got some serious email so my steam is blown out.
Talk more later
Sep. 13th, 2005
06:12 pm
So today I became a childcare worker.
Like always I dove in the deep end and was there from 10 - 2:30 pm then 5-9, 8 hours total with a nice siesta inthe middle. I met 20 kids, ten of which I worked with before. I met a girl who is trapped here too. I asked her one question something simple and I got this life story that ached. I love this shit: okay, she goes to Binghamton University with a kid and husband, separates from the husband, has one year left to finish, has dreams of joining her sister down south in a dual child and psychopathological practice, ends up having to quit school, comes to work at the YMCA for what she thinks will be a few months, ends up working there to the day. one year. she hates it here and she wants to leave for north carolina. she has thes long nails that look like theyd hurt if they broke off her hands. i think theyre those fake ones. the other girl iwork with is still a mystery. the kids are Amazing.i love watching what they do and how they interact. i feel like a scientist, i always have. observing the rest of society. theres this girl Shantelle, who looks tome like a gorilla. she acts like it too. shell get real angry and act out and hurt other kids. its her way or the highway. one thing about these kids , theyr smart. i knew they would be but theyre beautiful in their total innocence and trust. they trust in a world that the rest of us know doesnt deserve to be trusted. ithink thats a big part of what people call being youthfull. you can take a kids hand and theyll follow you. not cause theyre dumb, but cause they trust that youll keep them out of harms way. theres this girl amina whos my sisters friends kid who is a perfect angel .. i wonder waht shell be doing in twenty years. how life will grow her.
for some reason when i made a new paragrah my computer sped up its typing. that whole passge above took some forever to do!geesh!. so anyway, theres this kid Dennis who is the cutest little black kid, and he knows it. I call him the King. Shantelles easily THE QUEEN and we all know whos got more power. She rules everything. everyone in the class is alive only cause shes letting them stay alive. she wild. shes powerful and shes in charge her only drawback is her anger. it gets her into trouble all the time. i feel bad for her, well not bad but i wonder through out the day if her scolding will be comea habit of life. if shes gonna wind up thinking she is bad and live her life accordingly. i hope nto so i dont scold her. i tryto calm her when sheacts out. i feel sorry for the kid she slams in the head with a wooden block but i feel worse for her. i remember the first day we were reading a book her and me, and she could name BOY but not GIRL. it struck me as funny. she knew DOG and MONKEY but not GIRL. Ill learn their names better in these couple weeks ill be there. Im so grateful for the opportunity and it really has cemented my feelings about the field of socialwork, or my sister more apptly puts it:Human Services. Thats what i wanna do. Human fucking services. I wann a take care of retards, annoying kids, dimensional old farts, psychos, and whoever else this society deems inadequate to walk the streets with us "normal" folks. Fuck that! Id rather hang with them then half the normal kids! Who voted bush in to a secondterm ? the normal dudes!
ive got a presnt waiting for me in portland and ive gotten in touch with tom westfall. ive got 36 hours on my side at work and whatevr, a couple weeks of expereince all daywith kids, thats gotta count for Something right?! maybe i canvolunteer on the weekends. the plan keeps coming back again.
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